The 5th Pillar of a Relationship

Before you start wondering, why the “5th pillar”, let me clarify that I leave the first 4 to be the more obvious stuff like “love, trust, loyalty and honesty“. People will prioritize these according to their own ideas and relationship equation.

While there are several other things which you would bring up when I ask you about the important pillars of a relationship. Let me assure you that by the time you finish reading this, I will have you either totally or partially convinced that everything else originates from the 5th pillar I am talking about. It is the central pillar.

I know you are eagerly waiting for me to name it.

Space.

Lo, there you have it, Space is the most important centre pillar on which any relationship rests. All the other important stuff like mutual respect, communication and friendship originates from space in a relationship.

What exactly is this Space in a relationship?

Space in a relationship implies the breathing space, the space of individual growth in a relationship. It is mainly about an identity, a “me time” beyond your romantic relationship.

It very often happens, especially when we are young that we put too much pressure on our romantic relationships. We expect them to always listen to us, be available for all our coffee and movie plans, take us shopping and basically be available as per our whims and demands.

We don’t want them to ever say No to us or worse, make any plans without us. It might come across as cute possessiveness or we are addicted to each other phase in the early days. But trust me when I tell you that these very expectations and dependency suck the life force out of you. The equation soon becomes toxic especially if one cannot stop being clingy and the other struggles to keep their space. It might happen two years into your relationship or 20 years later. But it is bound to happen.

Why is Space important in your Relationship?

• You don’t want your partner to start feeling that the relationship is a job.

• You want your partner to do things out of love for you and because they want to do it.

• And most important, your partner should be able to do things they love and want to do for themselves.

• If your partner’s first thought before doing something they want to do, is “How you are gonna react?”, then you need to seriously reconsider your equation. Your partner is miserable and unable to express so.

Thus it is very important for you to give/ask for space in a relationship.

How can we give/take Space in a Relationship?

Having some Me Time

It is very often seen that people tend to stop doing things they loved before getting married.

“You should have seen me in college, I was an excellent dancer”

“I was a table-tennis champion among my colleagues”

“Everyone used to gather around me when I played the guitar”

“I could have spent days curled up with my favourite book”

These are not just fond remembrances. These are things close to people’s hearts. Things they loved doing as single people. More often than not, these might be things you fell in love with in the first place.

Of course, responsibilities in a relationship might not allow you to be engrossed in stuff you love as much as you could have had earlier. But it is always therapeutic to take a few hours per week to pursue your hobbies or passion.

In fact it is best if you encourage each other for the same.

Hanging Out with Friends & Family

Why is it that the pressure to hang out with us or accompany us is always on the romantic partner? If due to some reason they cancel on us, we are suddenly hurt and disappointed to the extent that we begin questioning the relationship.

Take your mom to a movie or have your sister accompany you for shopping.

Enjoy a coffee with your dad or that game of chess with your brother.

Call that friend you have been putting off for too long and join them for dinner.

I bet you will feel doubly refreshed after these encounters. It also gives you a chance to miss each other. A little time away makes you look forward with greater excitement to your next romantic rendezvous. It also gives you more things to talk about.

Setting up Boundaries

Well defined boundaries in a relationship lay the foundation for greater understanding and mutual respect. It also protects people in a relationship from being manipulated by their partners.

It is very common for people to try to compromise to great heights or do certain things very much against their nature especially in the early days of a marriage or relationship. This is a very wrong precedent to set and probably the worst mistake you can make.

You are aware of your physical and mental capacity and while adjustment is important in a marriage, it is healthy only if done from both sides. You might end up pushing yourself against your core values and capacity while your partner remains the same old stubborn person. If they keep on just having their way with you in the name of love, you soon lose your identity.

A few examples of setting boundaries are:

• Being clear about your career goals and the work life balance you need to support it.

• Open communication on your finances i.e. How much you are capable of spending per month and the areas you need to budget upon.

• Your responsibilities toward your family and how you would love your partner’s support in that. And if they themselves are not willing to be involved then at least make it clear that they don’t have have to be mean about it if you are doing your bit.

• You have the right to refuse to suffer any sort of rude behaviour from your partner. Communication is key but it does not have to be nasty.

• Remember sharing passwords especially of Social Media is not a test of Trust. Never let your partner manipulate you into sharing passwords you are not comfortable with. If they relate this to trust then there are other things seriously wrong with the relationship.

Summing it Up

Relationships have a learning graph of their own. You might not understand or feel the need to have space initially. No two people are the same. It might be that you are very happy making all your plans around your partner. But your partner might be the kind of person who needs a little alone time or may have a very dear friends group. Therefore the best approach is being mindful towards each other’s needs.

I did not learn this in a day or two. I have had my share of shedding tears if my husband made plans with his friends or spent an extra hour playing cricket on a Sunday morning. I had a learning graph of my own. I began to notice how happy these things made him. He in turn have always encouraged me to do things I love or have new experiences of my own.

Having space in a relationship is the building block for Respect and Trust. It lays the foundation for a strong friendship. It eliminates unwanted pressure and expectations that might prove too heavy eventually.

And most important of all, it allows you to be a happy individual. And if you are happy, it makes it easier to keep people around you happy too.

P.S. The Alia Bhatt & SRK starrer movie Dear Zindagi had some really good pointers to discuss regarding this and is a must watch. Read my review here.